Christ is Risen!

I doubt that!

Every liturgical season, we greet each other with a seasonal response: “Christ is born – Glorify him” – we say this at Nativity. At Pascha, we say “Christ is Risen,” and the response is “Truly He is Risen.” Since this is Thomas Sunday, when someone says “Christ is Risen,” maybe we should respond with “I doubt that.”

Why? Well, it feels like a Thomas kind of world.  The Resurrection is the greatest message that humanity has ever heard, but the world doubts it. Look out into the post-Pascha world and little has changed. The war goes on, gas prices continue to rise, and the rats are still running the race.

But, why should the world believe? After all, despite the glory of Pascha, I am still an unrepentant sinner. I am worse than St. Thomas because he touched the Lord’s flesh once and proclaimed, “My Lord and my God.” That is quite a statement for a first century Jew to make to anyone but the God of Israel. This touch would send Thomas all the way to India. I touch the Lord’s Body and Blood every Sunday and have done so for over 14 years, and I’ve hardly made it out of my house.

So, maybe the world ignores the greatest message of all time because the witness of my life is that I remain a slave to sin, and so much of my sin is based in my fears. In Hebrews, chapter 2, it says, “…through death He (Jesus) might destroy him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and release those who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.”

Now, this is interesting. So, it is the fear of death that binds me and blinds me and makes me a slave to sin. Well, I don’t spend most of my day worrying about my physical death, but I do worry about a lot of things. Yet, I thought it was the fact that sin was fun or pleasurable that bound me to it. No, to be honest, the power of sin lies is fear. As I think about the Lord’s life, how many times did the angels say, “don’t be afraid?” How many times did the Lord Himself say, “Be not afraid?” Am I afraid, really?

Yes, I am.

One example is that I judge others because it makes me feel superior to them. I need to feel superior because I am afraid that people will see what an utter fool I really am. I know exactly why the Pharisee was glad that he was not “like that man.” I’m glad too because it eases the fear that I am a fool and hypocrite. After all, I can’t be too bad when there are so many people who are obviously more sinful and more foolish than I.

Biship Andrei in his book, “The One Thing Needful”, says that Thomas was not so much in doubt as he was afraid. Thomas knew Christ and he know his commandments. Thomas loved and lived in his Lord. So, he was afraid that he might make a mistake. After all, Christ had warned that there would be false Christs, and so perhaps this appearance was one of them. This is what is meant when Thomas says that he will not believe until he touches the Lord himself.

In fact, fear permeates every aspect of life and it lies at the foundation of every habitual sin that plagues us. It was that way for our Parents. When Adam and Eve broke God’s commandment, they hid in the bushes because they were afraid. They had “walked with God in the cool of the evening”, now they hid themselves from their Father.  Like Adam and Eve, I’m hiding because of fear, and it’s fear that binds me. Even though I proclaim with my lips, Christ is Risen, my heart is wrapped in chains and my real response is “I doubt that.”

Orthodoxy proclaims that Christ “trampled down death by death and upon those in the tombs, He bestowed life.” This means that he destroys the binding power of death, which is fear. He defeated the one who uses this power, the devil. This means that my fears, though real to me, have no real power or reality. To know this, I have to be willing to open the dark corners of my soul to the light of the Resurrection. Having known fear, I know that it is only by faith that I can open the doors to let the light in. Without faith, courage fails me.

Maybe next Pascha, I will truly hear the Good News. The grave will open for me and the Risen Lord will stand before me and I will worship Him and not doubt. Maybe then I will know the glorious freedom of Christ. Maybe I will take the same hand that he extends to Adam and Eve and to the whole world. Then, I will proclaim the great message “Christ is Risen”, and those who hear it will believe because they will see that the message has transformed the messenger from a slave to fear into a slave of God.

The President was right-”There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” John the Revelator heard it from the Lord- “Don’t be afraid…I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, and I hold the keys of Death and Hell.”

Truly He is Risen! Truly He is Risen! Let’s begin to live like we truly believe it, for if it is true, then life has been answered and we need never be afraid again.

Now, I invite you to come and touch His flesh in the Holy Eucharist!

Some years ago, I happened to be with some Orthodox friends when we entered a sanctuary belonging to the Church of Christ. The sanctuary was bare and stark. There wasn’t a symbol of the Faith anywhere to be seen. There were only chairs and a lectern and a projection screen. Being a clown, I said with  emotion, “OH NO!” Startled, my friends asked me what was wrong. I replied, “We’ve been left behind.”  They asked what I meant by that. I replied, “The Rapture has come. The Saints have all left and I’m still here!”  :D

Since that time, I’ve wondered what it would be like to live in a faith with no icons.

On the first Sunday of each Lent, we celebrate the Victory of Orthodoxy (or The Sunday of Orthodoxy). This marks a time when the use and verneration of icons had been restored to  the Orthodox Church. For 127 years, this heresy had been a trial and terror to many of the faithful. In the beginning of this controversy, some felt that since the Old Testament prohibited the making of images, icons were to be forbidden. From the Old Testament point of view, this position had merit. If God is invisible, unattainable, and incomprehensible, then He could not be depicted. What these people did not realize was that this was true until the Incarnation. In Jesus, God had taken on form and this form could be depicted. Furthermore, since God is glorified in His Saints, they too could be depicted.

Please note that this Sunday is not called the Victory of Icons. It is called the Victory of Orthodoxy and that is a distinction worth noting.

What the Victory of Orthodoxy means is that the truth of our Faith had been affirmed. This truth shows that our God is an Incarnational God and  Orthodoxy takes the Incarnation with absolute seriousness. Our Father, though wholly other than the physical universe, is completely immanent within it. He is “every where present and fills all things.”  Being so present, He is pleased to bear His Grace to us on physical things. Certainly His Grace comes to us by the presence of the Holy Spirit in our hearts, but since we are creatures living in time and space with physical senses, He bears His Grace to us on the things that we can see and hear and touch and taste and smell.  The prime example of this is the Lord Jesus Himself who being God, took on flesh and dwelt among us. We can, as St. Paul said, see him and hear him and touch him. If God is not incarnational, then we had best become Muslims.

God uses flesh to dwell among us. He also uses water to baptise us and make His Spirit present to us. He uses oil to anoint us and incense to remind us of his omnipresence. He uses bread and wine, and transforms it to commune with us.  He uses paper and ink to bear His Grace to us in the Holy Scriptures, and he uses paint and wood and the skill of an iconographer to bear His Grace to us as well. With icons, we find ourselves surrounded with “a great cloud of witnesses,” and we see real men and women, sinners just like us, transformed by the Grace of God into Christ-likeness.

When some enter an Orthodox Church, especially if they come from a stark sanctuary devoid of imagery, they think that an Orthodox sanctuary is a riot of colour. Some even think that its a bit gaudy. They don’t understand that it displays our fundamental belief in the Incarnation, a belief that tells us that what ever the Divine touches or enters into is transformed by that Presence. If this is not so, then having “Jesus in our heart” may not transform us either.

The burning bush is an example of this truth. It is said that the miracle was  that the bush burned but was not consumed. Actually, this wasn’t the primary miracle at all. Since the Glory of God fills the earth,  the miracle was that Moses could see it. In that moment, Moses saw the universe as it truly is, aflame with the presence of God, transformed but not consumed. We believe that we see the universe as it is, but sadly, because of our sin, we do not see it at all.  Of course, Moses only saw it in the bush because at that point, it was all that he could tolerate.

The Church teaches us this incarnational truth in the Sacraments. Certainly, the Seven Sacraments are special to the Grace of God in His Church, but this does not mean to imply that it is only in Church that we should experience this. Trained by the Sacraments, we are to become sacramental beings. Such a being sees  all of creation as sacrament, all of creation  aflame with God’s glory. If we could begin to see this or even understand it, how blessed we would be. The saints were so aware of this that they could even see Christ in those who tortured and crucified them. Lord, will I ever reach such blessedness?

This has been a lot of theology, so does it any any “practical” application? In fact, it does. Some years ago when I worked as a janitor, I was listening to the radio when the G. Gordon Liddy Show came on. Now, I’m not a fan of G. Gordon, but I thought I would listen for a while. G. Gordon said that someone had asked him a question. If he could sit down and talk with any historical figure, who would it be? Knowing something of Mr. Gordon’s past, my mind raced with the possible candidates. To my surprise, G. Gordon said that he would want sit down and talk with Jesus Christ. I must say I was shocked, but I gained a little better attitude about G. Gordon Liddy. (but I still don’t listen to his show)

If we had the chance to actually sit with Jesus, I am sure that all of us would serve him anything he wanted. We would anoint His head and wash His feet and be very attentive to his every need. Here is a practical application of Orthodox Theology- if God is everywhere present, then He is present in my wife. If I have the eyes to see this, then I will serve her every need, and love her, and anoint her head and wash her feet. I will serve her and die for her as Christ loves and serves the Church. If she sees Jesus in me, she will do the same for me.

Here is the answer to the crisis of divorce in our Church. Many enter marriage because they are in love, but they also have a reason- they want to be happy, to be served, for companionship, for a better sex life, for children, to have someone make us happy.  Few enter marriage  to serve. When our needs are not met, we grow resentful and angry, and believe that we have made a mistake. We will not forgive the shortcomings of our spouse. We don’t see God in our spouse, and we find little in them to be happy about.

But if we have the eyes to see Him, we will see Him in the beauty of nature,  in the radiant smile of our spouses, in the joy of a well cooked meal, in the power and beauty of good music; but even more, we will see him in our fellow Church members, in our priest, in our Bishop, in our co-workers, in our boss, in our teacher, in our students, in the Jehovah’s Witnesses at the door,  in the poor and even in the rude guy who just cut us off in traffic. St. Seraphim of Sarov used to greet everyone with the words, “My Dearest.” Everyone.  His eyes were open.

King David says that even in hell, God will be there.

Was God in the stark and empty sanctuary? Yes, but I had no eyes to see. It would have helped me if there had been an icon or two, or at least a Cross.

Thank God for the Victory of Orthodoxy!!!

When we think of Adam and Eve, we think of the Fall, of sin and its impact upon the world and upon each of us individually. Rightly so, but there is another aspect to consider. Certainly, to live outside of Eden in the physical world meant struggle and sweat and pain and toil. But I also think that my Ancestral Parents lived with a great sadness that came from their remembrance of Eden, and this sadness was deepened by the frustration of not being able to return to it. This existential reality, the remembrance of Eden and the frustration of being kept from it,  has remained in the hearts of all of the sons and daughters of Adam and Eve. Generation after generation has, in its own way, attempted to get back to the Garden and has felt the frustration of the failure to do so.

One biblical account of this effort was the tower of Babel. We believed that if we could just build high enough we would converse with God.  We would regain our status as children of God just as it was when He walked and talked with us in the Garden “in the cool of the evening.” The problem was that  God  placed an angel with a flaming sword  at the gate, and every attempt to enter would fail. At Babel, the tower experiment failed and the human family was divided by language, a tragedy that continues to shape and form our  history and society today. One theologian speculated that the formation of cities was an attempt at Eden, but often Sodom was the result.

Some years ago, I attended a lecture on architecture and the professor skilfully showed how that many abiding features of architecture psychologically reached back to the remembrance of our primitive past. For example, he stated that columns represent trees and architecture uses them to create not only an aura of strength, but also to remind us of the times when we lived among the trees.  With this insight, I began to notice expressions of the Garden in many things. I walked into a shopping mall and there was Eden with trees and fountains. I saw it in  hotel lobbies. I saw it in the way some commercials on TV were crafted to imply that should I buy this car, I would be driving in a self-contained, temperature controlled, rolling paradise. I begin to notice how we create our gardens and lawns and public parks-all of them to make us feel “at home.” You can even see it in rock music concerts with the haze and smoke and special lighting. Surely, we modern folk are striving to fulfil an inner and sometimes undefined desire to re-enter the Garden.

As with the tower of Babel, this remembrance of the Garden and our desire to enter is frustrated, often with tragic consequences. We might call this deep seated urge the “pursuit of happiness.”  Though it is our birthright guaranteed to us by the founding documents of our society, the pursuit of happiness rarely results in the possession of it. The angel with the flaming sword still stands at the gate of Eden and will not allow us in. This produces a deep frustration  that creates a sadness or anxiety that our lives will never be complete, or happy, or of any lasting value and this thought makes us frantic to prove that it is not so.

Despite our frustration and all evidence to the contrary,  we continue to pursue it with vigour. We believe that if we can just get that promotion, if we can get a raise in pay, if we can find a partner who will serve all of our physical needs, if we can live in a finer home, or write a better book, lose weight, gain weight, get some plastic surgery, win the lottery, be a star, better drugs, more parties, another drink, etc., we will cross over the threshold into our own gated community and happiness will be assured. We hang on to this conviction despite the evidence that many who gain these things eventually end up broken, divorced, addicted, or dead. The power of our desire for Eden blinds us to these facts.

It has always seemed to me that we have come to believe that science will lead us to a new utopia. I am no luddite and I appreciate all that science has accomplished. Yet I remember the day that the Challenger exploded over Florida. Besides the shock and sadness at the loss of so many talented people, I thought of the tower of Babel. This tragedy was a reminder that the angel still stands at the gate.

Let me reverse my thoughts about this.  This desire for Eden is important and God allows it for a good reason.

Augustine said, “You have made us for yourself, Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.”  The Lord Jesus said, “Blessed are they who hunger, for they shall be filled.”  This hunger for Eden is important because without it, we would give up our pilgrimage. Desire and longing are vital because they will not let us rest with what is. This desire propels us to scan the horizon for a new place to dwell.  We would surely die without this inner thirst and hunger. As a priest I often pray, “Lord, give us all a sense of starvation that we might seek the Bread of Life.”

Yet if the way is blocked,  is God only torturing us with this restless desire?  In fact, the gate to Eden can be opened and the angel will let us pass. The key to the gates of Paradise is the Cross of Christ.  By it and only by it, can we  enter into the Paradise of God. Remember what the Crucified Lord said to the thief, “Today, you will be with me in Paradise.” When the gates of Eden open in our hearts, and we find the Kingdom is within us, we again converse with our Father because the Lord Jesus said he would come into our house and sit down with us. The Fathers also say that humility opens the gates of Eden. There is no difference here because it is only by embracing the Cross that anyone can attain true humility.

Fine architecture, nice homes, good automobiles, health, well-being – there is nothing wrong about any of these things as long as we understand that we will not find paradise by them.  The momentary happiness they bring will pass. There is a joy that can remain and we can abide in that paradise. St. Paul said that the Kingdom of God was “joy in the Holy Spirit.”  That joy will not come and go with the circumstances of life. That is certainly paradise.

I want to end by saying that we err if we think that Paradise is just an inner state of being.  I will refer you to the life of St. Euphrosynos the Cook for further details.

Well, for heaven’s sake, it seems like a direct put down of the Orthodox Faith. Why does God say this? Here is the answer: “…this people come near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honor me, but they have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men….”

This seems like a harsh word, and feels like a threat. Being a sinner, I know that most of the time my love for God and for my neighbor is anything but genuine. I do just enough and say just enough to get people to move on so that I can do the things I want to do. This doesn’t mean that I don’t honestly feel love at times, but I know that love is demonstrated not by what I feel but by what I do.

The Gospel story found in Luke 7 drives the point home. Simon, I have something to say to you. From the moment I came into your house, you’ve done nothing for me. A host is supposed to see that his guests have their feet washed. You did nothing, but this woman has washed my feet continually. You gave me no kiss of greeting as hosts are supposed to do, but she has kissed my feet continually. You did not anoint my head with oil as hosts are suppose to do, but this woman did even more and anointed my feet with oil. I tell you Simon, her sins are forgiven.

In this story, we come to understand why it is important that love be genuine and unfeigned and demonstrated by what we do. It is a very great and important truth – more than anything else, forgiveness depends upon love, a love shown in action.

Jesus makes this connection. Forgiveness and love are bound together and cannot be separated. Her sins, which are many, are forgiven. Why? Because, she loved much. But why does she love so much? Because, she was forgiven much. It seems very circular, does it not? Jesus tells the parable again about the man who owed a lot of money, and a man who owed little. Both debts were forgiven, but which one  loved the banker most? Obviously, it was the one who had the greatest debt.

So, I am driven to a conclusion about why my love is so shallow. I know the Church is trying to help me understand how great the debt that I owe is. If I can fully grasp this, my love will be great. Since my love is not so great, I really don’t have a clue as to how much has been forgiven me. Oh, I can grasp the concept in my mind, but my heart is another matter. So, it’s just easier to burn incense and attend services and flatter God with my lips as I chant about how much I love him.  Will he believe it more if I chant it in Greek or in Slavonic? Maybe tone 6 would do better than tone 2?

I am a good Pharisee, you see. I do all things right. Jesus knocked on the door of my heart and I opened it and invited Him in. Yet, how sad it is that Jesus entered into my house, and I have done so little for Him. What a sorry host I am. If I really loved him, I would be kissing feet and anointing heads and my love for God and for my brothers and sisters would be genuine.

May I come to know how great was the debt forgiven, so that my love will be great, and may that love and affection be genuine and demonstrated by the feet I wash and the heads I anoint.

I’d like to introduce you to a former member of our church. His name is Darnel. I remember when he first came to visit. He had been to several churches but each one had its problems and eventually he found it necessary to look for another Church. I explained that All Saints had its problems as well, but Darnel assured me that he had grown from his past experiences and now wanted a quiet life of prayer and fellowship in a “more traditional church.” I must admit that for a period of time, Darnel seemed like a pillar of Orthodoxy and I invited him to help serve in the altar.

Then the trouble began. Darnel, although he had only been Orthodox for two years, began to question the way I did things in the altar. Being a convert priest, I had much to learn (and I still have much to learn), and so I would listen to Darnel’s advice. After all, Darnel had spent a lot of time studying liturgical books and could quote chapter and verse. Then, when my Bishop would visit, he would often correct what Darnel had advised. This caused Darnel a lot of embarrassment and later he would tell me how he didn’t like Bishop X because he was “cold.” I did tell him that he should not correct me during the service and that we could talk afterwards, but he seemed to bristle at the admonition.

The thing about Darnel is that he made friends easily. There’s nothing wrong about being friendly, but during one parish meeting, Darnel got up to oppose a motion on what I thought was a minor matter. In the end, He did not prevail but his passion made the discussion difficult. Later, I noticed that a group seemed to be angry. When I inquired as to the reason, they told me that Darnel had been hurt by the way he was treated in the meeting. I reviewed the meeting and while Darnel spoke, most people had sat quietly offering no objection. He lost by a simple vote. How had he been mistreated? The point was that Darnel had successfully created a faction in what had once been a harmonious Church family.

Many other things happened and soon I realized that Darnel was a real threat to the life of the Church. Yet, what could I do because he was an Orthodox Christian, and many people considered him to be a pious and friendly man? I talked to him several times but he always assured me that he was my greatest supporter and he would do whatever he could to help heal any situation. Church members began to come and complain about Darnel, and some wanted me to get him out of our Church. I knew that it would cause a lot of damage due to his circle of supporters. If I tried to pull Darnel out, I would lose other members as well. So, it seemed that all I could do was damage control.

My wife and I prayed often for Darnel and we did our best to soothe hurt feelings. Then the time came when God took Darnel from All Saints. News came that our jurisdiction was about to rejoin with the Moscow Patriarchate. Darnel made it his mission to speak often and long against this reunion. Yet as time passed, it became clear that this would be accomplished and Darnel became ever more adamant that we should leave our jurisdiction. When the final documents of union were signed, Darnel left our Church in a great huff. Happily, few of his supporters went with him. What followed was a time of peace, unity, and loving fellowship. The factions disappeared, but I realized then what the Lord meant when he said “The zeal of my house has eaten me up.”

I wonder when and if another Darnel will be planted in our fellowship. That’s up to the Lord because it is His Church. In a sense, Darnel was both a gift and a burden. When prospective members would come and stay, they would learn of the division in the Church, and some left. I will admit that I was glad when he left, but I also know that Darnel challenged us to exercise patience, forbearance, and forgiveness. It also taught us to trust that the Lord knows when to prune his Vine. Maybe this is why our fellowship is as strong as it is.

Do you have a Darnel in your Church? He/she looks like true Orthodox wheat in the garden of the Lord. In fact, they are weeds and not wheat. Pray to the Lord of the harvest and be patient.

Darnel, I’m glad you’re gone, but I wish you well. I hope that where ever you have gone, you have truly learned something from your time with us. I hope that you have become wheat in the Kingdom of God.

(Matthew 13:24-30 – KJV)

I live an anxious life.

The Master said that I cannot serve two masters. I don’t want to serve two, but its not that easy.  The problem is my vision. Sometimes my eyes focus on one thing and other times, I look in two directions.  This is great for a frog’s survival, but such double vision fills me with anxiety. When I look in both directions, its hard to concentrate on two things at the same time.

When I can focus on God, the vision fills me with light.  I know that life has been answered and there is no need to fear. In God’s eyes, I am worth more than grass and sparrows. He cares for them and so he cares even more for me. When my vision is single, I am not afraid. God is for me, so who can be against me? That should be enough.

The problem is that something moves into my field of vision and grabs my attention. My vision becomes unfocused and I become anxious.  Let’s take the economy for example. The Master said I shouldn’t worry, but has He seen the price of gasoline? Salaries are down -costs are up. Tomatoes are a dollar a piece and they aren’t that good. There’s 14 trillion dollars owed to someone and who will pay it? I’ve paid into something called “social security”, but will there be any security at all when I hit 65? And what of my children? What will they do if things continue as they are now. All the birds have to worry about is the next worm and grass doesn’t worry at all. Lucky creatures!

Then there are tsunamis and earthquakes, plagues and cancers, wars and rebellions and marches and protests and all kinds of misfortune. At this point,  both eyes have turned from God to the world and it is very dark indeed.

If a man’s vision is healthy and focused, anxiety and fear flees before the light of God. I know of such a man of vision – St. John Maximovitch. His eye was single, his vision was focused and healthy, and true. No matter how the world tried to catch his attention, and it tried very hard,  he kept both of his eyes on the Lord. His life gives me hope that maybe I too can learn to keep my focus where it belongs.

I long to end my frog’s way of life. I’m tired of my double vision and my wandering eyes. The Lord is right. My anxiety changes nothing, not even my height or hair colour. If I could just put both eyes on the Lord and focus them, I could see the truth in all things and the darkness of fear and anxiety would end.

Therefore, I am resolved that my vision will be healthy and focused upon God. I will not let my vision become double again. I will keep my eye single!

Oh, I just heard a story on the news that Congress may not be able meet the deadline for our budget and we will default on our loans. If that happens, we may go into a great depression. What are we going to do? How will we pay our bills? Tax increases? I can’t afford it. What will happen to us?

Oh no, one eye just shifted again and things got fuzzy. Two masters, again!!!

Call me Kermit, the Orthodox frog!

Its not easy being green!

(a reflection on Matthew 6:22-33)

Orthodoxy has no “cult of the saints.” We don’t “put them on a pedestal” and treat them like some kind of spiritual anomaly, or super hero. If the saints are some special class of being, then we feel justified to believe that we can never be anything like them. On the contrary, we know that the saints were sinful men and women just like the rest of us. Yet, they were friends of God, and their love moved them to gain the Holy Spirit and to be transformed into the image of Christ. Therefore, we see what is possible for all of us. Also, we know as the Bible says that “the prayer of a righteous man avails much.” Therefore, we can ask the saints to pray for us just as we can ask any member of our local congregation to pray for us.

The saints are important to the Orthodox for another reason. Isaac Newton said that we can see farther than the previous generation, only because we stand on the shoulders of giants. You and I can see far indeed if we stand on the shoulders of the saints. On the Sunday of the Saints of Russia, we find new shoulders to stand upon. The new martyrs and confessors of Russia are our contemporaries. They lived in the modern world with all of its appeal and demands, materialism, and hedonism. Even so, they confessed Christ and millions gave witness to the point of their physical death.

With the fall of the Soviet Union, the files of the former KGB were opened. The story there is a grim one. Representatives of the Russian Orthodox Church have been able to begin the process of listing these men and women so that they can be glorified. Sadly, many of them just disappeared with no record of what happened to them. Even more, the numbers are so great that the work will outlast the lifetime of the committee members. Hitler was a horror, but compared to Stalin and those who followed him, Hitler was a choir boy. The Holocaust did not end with the defeat of Germany.

Perhaps this very fact makes us feel some distance from these new martyrs. After all, living in America with our guaranteed freedoms and mighty military forces, such a death would never be a possibility for us. We know that there are faithful men and women being martyred for the Faith even as we read this blog, but we are secure that such a thing will not come near to us.

Though we may not be called to join the ranks of the martyrs, we can join the ranks of the confessors. A confessor is someone who survived persecution without denying Christ. You may object that you have never been persecuted for the Faith. Really? Was there ever a moment when you failed to cross yourself because you thought that someone would make fun of you? Was there ever a moment when you knew that you should stop the gossip or refuse to join, but you stayed and listened and laughed because you don’t want to be shunned or marked as a religious nut? These kinds of things are subtle, but it is persecution none the less.

To be a confessor is to be a friend of God. St. Paul spoke about this friendship when he said that it is “written on the heart.” What is written on the heart can never be denied. Denying the Lord would be like denying a beloved spouse. If I can deny my wife, then in fact, while I may have affection or even fondness for her, but she is not written on my heart.

I am sure that we do not mean to deny Christ, but something prevents us from giving witness to Him. This something is shame or fear. We don’t fear physical death in these compromising situations, but we fear being ostracized or shunned. We fear being alone. We fear what our confession will do to our business contacts. We fear that we will be labeled as a fanatic or even as a Pharisee and no one will want to have coffee with us. Maybe, it’s even simpler than that. Maybe we are afraid if our religion spills out of its Sunday slot into our weekday life, things might get tough. Well, life is tough enough already and we’ve seen those religious fanatics with their hyper-piety and arrogance.

(By the way, what is the difference between a fan and a fanatic? A fan roots for Duke Basketball, and a fanatic roots for UNC!)

We are worldly people and by that I don’t mean that we are committing major sins. I mean that the pace, cares, joys, entertainments, and concerns of life have consumed us. We are slaves to the attitudes and expectations of our peers. It is the subtle modern spirit of anti-Christ. I think the devil has learned that outright physical persecution only makes the Church stronger. After all, the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church. So, he has taken another line of attack. Faith is compromised by slow attrition – a little compromise here, a little there- until it is so weak it disturbs no one. King David said it so well when he spoke of how the Lord built a thick and powerful hedge around his vineyard (we are his vineyard). This hedge keeps out the big animals (I’m glad to say that in many confessions, the “big” sins have disappeared), but it is the little foxes who slip in underneath the hedge, and eat away at the vines, little by little, until the garden is devastated (sadly, so many in confession are devastated and laid to waste even though they know that compared to past, many of the big sins have passed away”.

Take the time to make friends with the New Martyrs and Confessors of the present age. They know how to fight this modern and subtle spirit of anti-Christ, and they know how to become the friends of God in the face of it. Seek their intercessory prayers and assistance. We stand can stand on the shoulders of the giants of Russia- the New Martyrs and Confessors- and we will see farther and with greater clarity.

Holy Martyrs and Confessors of Russia, pray to God for us.

I have to remember that I’m almost 60 years old. I just forget (but isn’t that a sign of aging –forgetfulness? They say the mind is the second thing to go and I can’t remember the first!) So, I’m up on a ladder like I’m 20 years old, sawing away at a tree branch that had fallen on the roof of a utility shed. It seemed like such a small branch. Yet, when I finally cut through it, the branch, by slamming into my face, demonstrated that it was bigger than I thought.

So here I sit in bed looking like my wife won the fight and I wonder why such things happen (besides my stupidity). Really, God is good and all powerful, yet He allows these things to happen. Why didn’t he let the branch fall in another direction thus preventing injury to his good, faithful, and humble servant? After all, I’m a priest and I was trying to do a good thing and I’ve made so many sacrifices, etc. and etc.

Well, conviction comes from many sources and this time it came via android. I came across a quote from the website Mystagogy, a blog written by J. Sanidopoulos. The note came from St. John, Metropolitan of Tobolsk. Let me insert some thoughts as I read it.

“Thankfulness during grief distinguishes the good from the evil and clearly shows who is who.”

Oh no, I think I know what’s coming

“Bells, prior to being lifted to their height, are tested by blows from a hammer and when they give out an unpleasant sound they are discarded.”

A nice analogy, but I’m beginning to feel like a dumb bell

“Such is the will of God: He does not lift His chosen ones to the heights prior to testing them with frequent crosses and grief in order to see the fulfillment of their endurance and what kind of and how pleasant a sound they emit.”

No cross –no crown, eh? I’m reconsidering the sounds I emitted after the branch knocked me down.

“At one time God tested His great “bell” Job. The hand of God touched him. Would you like to know the tool He used? The hammer of the world, that is, the devil. But what sound did this “bell” emit? “The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord!” (Job 1:21). What a pleasant sound! But Job was still further subjected to beating. He came under the power of the devil, and his whole body was struck down; from head to toe pus and worms covered him, and he sat in his discharge. Do you hear what blows he received? But now hear what his voice gave forth: “Shall we not receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?” (Job 2:10). Oh, what a strong voice! Oh, what a sweet sound…..This is the indication of a good man, a man grateful to God.”

Ok, so the branch thing wasn’t that bad, but still was I wrong to complain?

“And here is the sign of an ungrateful man: if some misfortune comes upon him, he complains, laments, opposes, grieves excessively, praises his own deeds and proves his innocence (St. Antioch, Discussion 117).”

So, my gratitude is demonstrated by how I react to the hammer of misfortune? Lord, have mercy! Yet, it seems to me that the good folks get the hammer more than the bad folks. No?

“Thus the good and the evil are being frequented by misfortune without distinction, but by this affliction itself, one is being separated from the other by the all-wise providence of God.”

Yes, I seem to remember Jesus saying that the storms of life beat against all houses. The only difference is what the houses are built upon – the foundation.

“The good, when any misfortune befalls them, offer their thanks to God Who deigns to punish them; but the arrogant, sensual and money-loving blaspheme and grumble at God saying, “O God, what evil did we do that we are suffering so?”

Grumbling! Thanks a lot, St. John. Yet, I know you are right. The hammer falls upon all of us, yet not for spite, but to hear the sound that rings out when the hammer strikes.

Call me ding-a-ling!

I’m sure you’ve had this experience. You’re just about to fall asleep when suddenly you hear the tiniest of sounds go by your ear. You know immediately that a mosquito has targeted you for lunch. So, you cut on the light, but no matter how much you look around, you just can’t see it. So you cut off the light, and in just a little while you hear the buzzing again. You cut the light on, but nothing. So you cut the light off and try to ignore it. You know that sometime during the night, you’ll be donating blood.

It’s the same in spiritual life. You’re trying your best to be positive, to have some sense of spiritual progress, and then the mosquitoes start buzzing in your brain. Sometimes it seems that they have sucked all of the blood from your spiritual life. These spiritual mosquitoes are called logismoi. Logismoi are random thoughts that just seem to pop into your head without invitation. You know these thoughts (here’s a short list) – gluttony, fornication, avarice, sorrow, discouragement, anger, vainglory and pride. Those are big mosquitoes and there are small ones too – the football game, the last TV show, unfinished work, deadlines, etc.

No matter how often we resolve to start again, or to pray with greater concentration, the logismoi are relentless. Each sting, no matter how small, begins to put in us the belief that we are faithless and without piety, lost and worthless, and our hope for holiness futile.

When the logismoi land, they seem to be true, but in fact they are only partially true. This gives them the hook that catches us. There is enough truth to make us believe them. A personal example: I break something and the logismoi bites, “You always screw up”. Now I’ve just screwed up, so there is some truth to the thought. Yet, if the thought comes often enough (I do mess up a lot), I believe them.  A hole begins to develop in my soul. I conclude that I am in fact a screw-up and I can never do anything right. Therefore, I am worthless. From this conclusion, depression and dejection will follow. The logismoi are somewhat Orthodox because they constantly repeat their litany. Paci…Paci – Again and again!

Jesus said, “Thy word is truth. Sanctify them with your truth.” The greatest shield against logismoi is God’s truth. No matter what our random thoughts try to say to us, only God tells us who we are and what we are, and his word is true. The devil does not define us, other people do not define us, family does not define us. Most of all, we cannot define ourselves. We are slaves to the Lord Jesus, bought by his Blood. Only He can tell us who we are. A slave cannot judge another slave, and a slave cannot judge himself. Only the Master judges him. The Master may convict us, but he will never condemn us. He will sanctify us because His word will help to purify our souls. His word is the mirror into which we should look to see ourselves. All other mirrors are distorted.

It is vital that we get this truth, otherwise we constantly fall before the logismoi. Now, understand, as the Fathers teach, that for 99.9 percent of us, the logismoi, random thoughts, will be with us until the day we die. God does not disdain us because of this. It is not sin that the logismoi buzz about our minds. Yet, is there anything else we can do?

A brother asked one of the elders, “What shall I do? My thoughts are always turned to lust without allowing me an hour’s respite, and my soul is tormented by it.” He said to him, “Every time the demons suggest these thoughts to you, do not argue with them. For the activity of demons always is to suggest, and suggestions are not sins, for they cannot compel. But it rests with you to welcome them, or not to welcome them. Do you know what the Midianites did? They adorned their daughters and presented them to the Israelites. They did not compel anyone, but those who consented, sinned with them, while the others were enraged and put them to death. It is the same with thoughts.” The brother answered the old man, “What shall I do, then, for I am weak and passion overcomes me?” He said to him, “Watch your thoughts, and every time they begin to say something to you, do not answer them but rise and pray; kneel down, saying, ‘Son of God, have mercy on me.’”

There are some things we must learn from this story. First, we must become aware –“Watch your thoughts.” Be aware that thoughts by nature are random, and any thought can come, but they cannot compel us to do anything. Even more, we must not be shocked, since we are fallen people, at the nature of the thoughts. Some will be minor, some will be scandalous, and some even blasphemous.

Second, you are not condemned by the experience of random thoughts – suggestions and thoughts are not sins. The Lord of the mosquitoes would have us feel condemned just because the mosquitoes are flying around. Condemnation will only provide the breeding ground for more mosquitoes.

Finally, as the Fathers say, 99.99 percent of us will never be free of logismoi. It is a rare saint who attends hesychasm, or internal stillness. This may be due in part to the fact that most of us don’t take prayer and meditation very seriously or we allow the busyness of life to move prayer the the edges of our daily life.

Even if it is true that the logismoi will be with us always, we must fight, but we need to fight well. Here is the most remarkable recommendation about how to fight – we combat our obsessive thoughts by ignoring them. Ignoring them? At least this means that we draw no conclusions from what we think. This may seem a bit naïve since random thoughts are so relentless.

Ignoring them would not be enough if that is all that we did. Listen again: “Watch your thoughts, and every time they begin to say something to you, do not answer them but rise and pray; kneel down, saying, ‘Son of God, have mercy on me.’” Repentance? This is the way to fight the mosquitoes? Yes, it is because when we turn our backs to them we must turn to Jesus Christ to ask for his mercy. We must do both, or we will not fight well.

This is how St. Mary did it fighting against “the beasts.”  This is how anyone can use repentance and the Jesus Prayer to become as mentally and spiritually healthy as possible. Please, don’t misunderstand me. There is genuine mental illness, so sometimes medicine and therapy is necessary. Yet we have a powerful tool to add to our therapy, a weapons in this mental and spiritual war. Imagine if you went to therapy, and the Doctor said, I recommend repentance! It would be shocking no?

I can dream of a life free of the logismoi. Yet even as I wrote this, a bunch landed on my brain and wanted blood. I ignored them and ask for mercy. So, may the Lord help you to fight, and to fight well. The mosquitoes are buzzing. Ignore them for they speak no truth, and turn to the Lord for mercy.

Ok, so you have to reach back for this one. There was this movie called “Love Story” which was made in 1970. Ali McGraw and Ryan O’Neal were the main actors. I was 18 years old and I remember thinking that it was a pretty sappy movie. One nugget of wisdom served as a hallmark of the story. Ryan did something stupid (as men are prone to do) and realizing his mistake, he apologized to Ali. She replied, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Even at 18, I thought “Oh, really? If you love someone, you never need to apologize?” It just didn’t seem right to me and many of my peers made fun of it. Even Ryan O’Neal made fun of it in a movie he made after Love Story. It’s necessary and healing to apologize. I would hate to be in a relationship where I never had a chance to check my pride and say “I’m sorry.”

If the Orthodox followed this advice, then our constant apology (confession) to God would either means that God doesn’t love us or we don’t love God. Love means never having to say you’re sorry-this axiom is foolishness, but it’s made me how much we base our love for God on a romantic model. For example, I hear often hear someone say that they have lost their passion or their zeal for God. For them, Orthodox life has become dry, boring, and routine. Such a person will even ponder if converting to Orthodoxy was the right thing to do. After all the promises made by Orthodoxy about spiritual life, where was the zeal they once had? Where is the passion of their first love?

Marriage counselors speak about a moment in all relationships when the romantic bubble pops. This is called the “domestic moment.” At this moment, you look at your wife and think, “Oh no! She’s just like her mother.” You look at your husband and think, “Oh no! He’s just like his father.” Passion has disappeared and it’s a moment of real crisis in a relationship. It can happen in a year, or two, or even in seven years. If a couple does not understand that this is a natural part of the process, they will suffer. With patience and forgiveness, eventually passion will return. Some people never figure this out and the result is divorce. Even after their third or fourth marriage, some folks can’t live beyond the domestic moment. Our poetry, music and art have convinced us that love is feeling. The Righteous Brothers warned us how terrible it is when “you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling.”

If a couple passes this crisis point, the relationship will deepen and come to rest on a solid foundation of love, friendship, and commitment. The couple will discover that feelings will come and go, and that’s all right. They learn that the quality of their relationship can never judged on how they are feeling at any particular moment. Love is measured by commitment. I would say that if no feeling of love has appeared in months, then there may be a problem that needs to be addressed.

We seem to have the same problem with faith. Entering into the Faith, we are enchanted with and passionate about Holy Orthodoxy. It’s a true spiritual (romantic) bubble and it’s a wonderful place to be. Then, inevitably the bubble pops and the once beautiful Bride who seemed so exotic and enticing is now the Old Lady who tells us to stand in vigils, repeat the same prayers over and over, and fast. Surely, we didn’t sign on for this and we wonder if this is all there is or ever will be. It’s a moment of spiritual “domestic moment” and many fall away because they don’t feel anything. Rest assured that at such times our spiritual enemies are ready to parade before us all kinds of interesting and entertaining enticements to get us away from our first love so that we can feel once again.

We must learn to be patient and allow our faith and obedience, and not our feelings, to become the bedrock of our Orthodox life. Consider these words from Jesus: “He that loves Father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he that love son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” Ouch! Who do we love more that family? Do we really think that when Jesus talks about the love we have for family that he is speaking about our feelings? No, Jesus is putting love on a much higher plane than feelings.

Orthodox readers will forgive me, but I wanted to speak about Mother Theresa, once of the Catholic faith, now departed. In a book that appeared some time after her death, she spoke about her feelings towards God. She said that during her time as a novice (about two years), she felt many wonderful consolations from God. Then, the consolations left and never returned, not even once. Now consider the fact that she cared for the dying in streets of Calcutta for decades. How could she have embraced such a difficult life without the reward of at least some small consolation from God? I think that she knew that loving God was not about feeling. It was about faith, obedience and commitment. If this is really the case, then she loved God more than most of us.

I wish that Orthodox Christians would quickly get past their domestic moment so that they can become the true friends of God. Again the Lord told us, “You are my friends if you do what I command you.” His Grace, Hierotheos Vlachos said that a Saint is someone who is a friend of God. Friendship with God is the hallmark of holiness. We might have thought that being a saint meant that you are swept up by a mighty wave of passion about the Lord that carries you to the Kingdom. No, the love of a friend for a friend is not Eros –burning passion and zeal. It is an abiding love that keeps the commitment strong and carries the friendship over the years ahead. Even if a friend disappoints you or belittles you, you remain committed. This is true friendship and the Lord showed his friendship even to those who abandoned him. He remained faithful and true even to the Cross.

The wonderful feelings of your First Love for God will return and  leave again, return and leave, return and leave. This cycle will repeat many times because the Lord watches to see if we will stand and remain a friend of God when his consolation is absent. The Lord knows that dry times are difficult, but watches to see if we will slip away again and go running after other pleasures that promises to make us feel better, or we will remain the friends of God and trust in His love and stand on our Faith and not on our feelings.

Our relationship to God is a love story. We must deepen our understanding of what love is and how it is experienced. We need a firm conviction that God love’s us whether we feel it or not. This is how it was for all the saints. Feelings come and feelings go. So be it. I will remain a committed friend of God no matter what I feel.